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  1. You are not alone on the time paradox; I know others have felt it, and I’m still there myself after almost six months. For brief instants I’m just so certain my father didn’t die (even though I was right there), and that I can just call him. I keep waiting for grief that makes sense to me – crying, being angry, just feeling desolate….but it’s not happening. I feel more…..wait for me to explain this word…inconvenienced, than anything else. Inconvenienced that I really want to spend some time with my Dad and now I have to wait. But it’s just like that; you planned that vacation but something happened and, bummer, you have to wait another year. But you’re going to go. That’s how I feel – I’m going to get what I want, I know we are going to be together somehow, but now I can’t just go visit. I have to wait.

    The feelings are all still evolving, so maybe I will end up going through what I’m more used to when I think of “grief.” No idea.

    I don’t know what to say about technology. When my mother died in 1991, I was sad there was not one moving image of her or even a recording of her voice…then I went and basically ignored that regret and founds myself once again without either this January, with my dad.

    Then one of his neighbors posted a very brief video from a July 4th celebration, there’s a bit of a blurry image, but I clearly heard my dad’s voice say “Happy Fourth!” It was enough for me to play it over and over and over again, listening to that voice. So I’m not sure I’d have been able to handle anything more, as much as I thought I wanted that.

    We love you, Jackie, and Ana and Emily and Jim. And we’re not going anywhere; I prayed for all of you for five and a half years – I’m not stopping now. When I talk to Ana (yeah, I just talk straight to her now), I get a kick out of imagining that she’s giving me the eyeroll because I *now* know I’ve been pronouncing her name incorrectly all this time, but I insist on still doing it and it’s like a private joke I have going with her.

    XOXOXO (I know my comments tend toward the rambling, sorry!)

  2. Once again, you have captured it. The need to remind ourselves of the reality that was. Not this one that is, without. I’m so thankful for you.

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