I’ve wanted to post an update for the last two days, but I can’t seem to find the thread of thought I need to get started. I’ve never experienced grief like this. It feels solid, a heavy weight in my chest. Each day is filled with new, overwhelming realizations. Yesterday I made her bed after washing her blankets and tidying her room. I stacked her pillows the way she likes them. I threw out some papers and other things that fell out when I’d stripped the bed. I couldn’t bear to touch her water bottle. She had it with her all the time these last few weeks. She was so thirsty. It still has water in it.
I’ve been able to function, surprisingly. It helps to get up and do the familiar things—laundry, feeding the cats, walking Roo. When the waves of sadness hit me, I stop and let them come. Ana is everywhere in this house, in every corner of our lives. Each object holds the memory of her and even the simplest things remind me of something she did or said. They remind me that I won’t hear or see her again.
I miss her so much.
Your visits, emails, texts and calls are carrying us right now. Your donations have been pouring in and you have no idea how much relief this brings us. It enables us to be still and quiet. It relieves the burden of having to face work and life right now, at a time when both are unimaginable.
We’ve decided not to have any set times for visits as I’d originally posted. I like that people are drifting in and out and I’m overwhelmed with the thought of a house filled with people. Emily is very sad and she tends to stay in her room when people are here, unless it’s close family.
But we do want to see you. We want to sit and talk. We need your love and compassion. The house is so quiet.
Please do come by, but reach out to my sister-in-law, Amy Mosbacher (for most New Paltz folks), Abbe Aronson or Babs Mansfield to figure out a day and time. They are our designated gatekeepers. You can direct message them on Facebook or call or text them (as most of you know them). I don’t want to post their phone numbers here, but if you can’t reach them, text or PM me.
Our vision for Ana’s memorial is beginning to solidify. Babs came over yesterday and we talked about our ideas. We’d like to have it the week of May 16th (Ana’sbirthday) likely the weekend before or after. We’re hoping to do it at Willow Kiln Park which we’d long ago dubbed “the frog pond.” It’s been Ana’s favorite park since young childhood, when we’d make frequent visits in the spring and summer so that Ana could catch frogs then set them free again. More details about this will follow. Just tuck that time frame away for now. We want you to be there. It will be a beautiful day of remembrance.
I plan to post pictures of Ana throughout the years with my updates. Here is her last school sibling photo with Emily at High Meadow in 8th grade (Emily was in 5th).