13 Comments So Far

  1. I wish for you a days peace to restore your faith in yourself. You are in a living hell! Knowing beautiful little Ana is suffering so has me in tears for you all. You are no liar, no fraud, you have been a rock! I have been bugging your mother for news and asking is they might save her liver. It looks to me (limited as my info. is) as though there is hope they may be able to do just that. This is GREAT NEWS!! Ana’s stay may be longer but it is still a huge light at the end of this horror! To feel helpless and lost when things are not in your control is not weakness, it is human and she is your little girl. You are a good strong human and a great mother!!!

  2. jackie, i know how you feel, i hate this too!!!!! but i know that everything will be okay. She will end up being the ana that is at home and that we have allways known and love. we know its hard to be strong. but everything will end up being okay, just let a little part of your brain know that. i know how hard this is. i am here for you. im sending my prayers!!!!

  3. Oh Jackie, this makes tears well up in my eyes. You’re not a liar, it’s that we want so badly to protect our kids from the s*%t sandwiches life will hand us and ‘if’ we’re lucky, they’re dipped into it one thing at a time. This is the kind of stuff that’s supposed to happen when we’re really old… and to someone else. You’re not a liar Jackie, you’re just not in control of this situation. The best you can do is love her. It’s scary to not see past the moment and a true test of strength, so every now and then you NEED to let it out!! The only way to the other side is through it. << That was told to me in a very thick, Scottish brogue so it seemed much more profound then it does here… or imagining it in a joisey accent. 🙂 It helps me sometimes. It helps because it doesn't promise the 'other side' is going to have butterflies and sunbeams and glitter and unicorns. The anecdote just always had me knowing there was another side. And I'd deal with it.
    Jackie, you're not a fraud. You're scared and mad and confused and human. Never confuse those things with being a fraud. XO

  4. It is MUCH easier to be a patient, than to be the loved one of a patient..I’ve been on both sides..especially when that patient is your child, and she’s suffering, and you can’t make the shots hurt less or just kiss it and make it go away. The thing is , far from being useless, you are THERE FOR HER…you got her to a hospital, you sleep in a couch next to her bed, you make sure she is never alone..You’ve got her back..you are her sounding board. I’m gonna be very honest here..when I was 11, if I felt crummy for any reason I kept it to myself…I knew no one wanted to hear about it. It would have been kinda nice if I had had a Mommy like you. Give yourself a hug from me….and stop beating yourself up…

  5. I, too, will assert you are neither a liar nor a fraud; when you say it will get better, it will turn out OK, these are not promises but what you must believe. You are telling Ana what you must believe, and what she needs to believe, to get through this. It’s important to do our best to view a positive finish line in this marathon – and it’s vital for Ana. Anything any of us can do to help her envision her victorious finish is a priority. And you’re all in the race; we will do all we can to cheer you all home. It doesn’t matter if you’re the last one over – all that matters this time is finishing the race. We’ll do our best to throw you water when you thirst, pick you up when you stumble from exhaustion, and hand off spiritual energy bars when your heart falters along the way.

    Maybe some outside help will ease your burden. Surely this depression and emotional exhaustion is common, and I’d like to think the hospital has an excellent referral program for counseling of all sorts. Might this be an option?

    • Leigh – we’ve been trying to get a psychiatrist to see Ana all week. We’ve actually refused to start her on chemo until the psychiatrist comes and prescribes something to help her depression. We’re not sure what the delay is, but we’re putting our foot down.

  6. you’re not a liar. you are not a fraud. if we all think back hard we might remember the moment in which we realized our parents were human because there was something bigger than we were, bigger than they were… when my father could not would not stop drinking i began to understand a little and my mother did her best to protect us. she did her best in a situation that was out of her control. as you are doing your best in this incredibily painful situation, physically and mentally, for all of you. ironically, now that i am walking in my mother’s shoes, my children look at me sometimes filled with anger, as to say “why, why are you allowing this to happen?” your poor decision making did not cause ana’s illness as my poor decion making changed my life.
    mothers can’t predict the future. otherwise all our promises of “it’ll be ok” would really carry some weight. what we can be however is constant. no matter how difficult life may become, our presence and our love for our children is continuous.

  7. Oh Jackie, Yes soul sick. We’re all soul sick. For Ana, for you, for our family. This darkness is unfathomable. It just sits here. I wake up in disbelief that we are in this. That there is no way to rescue Ana, to turn back the clock. To come back from Montreal to the normal days we expected. I just don’t know what to say. I am without any more words.

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