7 Comments So Far

  1. I saw Ana at school on Monday, her first day back, and she looked so beautiful, so glowing, so amazing. She has a new light in her eyes.

  2. Jackie, you are not in danger of living an “ordinary life.” That was true even before Ana’s illness. Not only do you seem to take extreme pleasure in the “ordinary moments”, but you remind the rest of us to do that too. I like your instinct to stay with what is happening and let unfold as they will over time. And thank you again for including all of us in this journey by continuing to write about it.

  3. Jackie, it sounds as if Ana is moving forward like any child her age would/should. What happened to her and your family happened, and like any scar it will be imprinted on all of you forever. LIfe offers no guarantees, and good people often suffer in this world. But when the wound heals and the body works again, we must go on. Ana sounds happy and excited and ready to rejoin life. You shared the anguish -now share and savor the joy. Keep releasing your “demons” into this excellent blog. Don’t let the illness that Ana beat BEAT you.

  4. “I think I understand how people can get caught up in trauma and have a hard time breaking free from it; like hoarders surrounded by junk that they can’t throw out. I understand how they pull this stuff in around them and let it suffocate them, because to excavate it means facing the thing they are most afraid of; loss, death, failure.”

    This is such an incredible insight; I’m going to be thinking about it for quite a while.

    And I remember the first time I left my son at the MIT daycare, and how they let him watch me through the glass walking away and his little face was screwed up, crying, screaming practically, and how I felt like something inside me was absolutely dying as I faced my car with tears springing from my own eyes. In time, he was fine with me leaving. In time, he was leaving me on his own for this or that place (he’s 14 now), and while I applaud his independence, part of me still longs for that little boy who needed me so much he wept to see me leave. I know this is the natural order of things, but still. I’m pretty sure I am the one needing now, in so many ways. Being a mother is wonderful, and terrible; an ocean of blessings and a depth of monsters. It’s true whenever we love, I suppose.

    One day, one feeling, one experience at a time. Stay swimming at the top, and grab a life ring thrown if you feel you’re sinking!


  5. We would never wish for the tragedies that beset our children, but I think we can embrace the person that tragedy makes our child become, does that make sense? They’ve gone through the crucible, and they come out somewhat otherworldly on the other side – they lived through what most of us don’t/can’t. There is no way to be grateful for the pain that they suffered, but we can recognize that their survival of that pain has made them extraordinary human beings. And I stand in wonder of you both you and Ana – having come out on the other side. I wait to see what great things you will both do, now that you’ve broken surface.

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