And onto the great wrap up…
The title of this post is misleading because it implies I’m refocusing my attention on productive things, rather than living in that odd, otherworldly limbo that’s one of the defining characteristics of dealing with crisis.
And I guess it’s partly true. After gaining 20 pounds in six months (starting in January when the agonizing wait for a viable donor liver truly began), I’m once again trying to get back in shape. I’ve started counting calories, cutting out caffeine and (some) sugar and exercising 4-5 days per week (including at least two bike rides a week). I’m even meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow morning to help me rebuild all the strength I lost in my core and arms – that expression “use it or lose it” is totally true.
But I haven’t worked on my book in two weeks and I’m still dragging myself around trying to stay motivated to get back to work, and normal lifely things like cleaning closets and planning play dates. I don’t feel particularly depressed, but every afternoon all I want to do is crawl into bed and take a nap (and I do this most days – now that’s another bad habit I have to break). This fatigue is something that I expected would get better after I stopped caffeine and started exercising. It’s actually gotten a little worse.
It feels like every step out of the rabbit hole is a huge achievement. It’s like I’m shaking off a year’s worth of dark cobwebs – thick, heavy, messy things intent on dragging me down. It’s physically and mentally exhausting.
The world of responsibilities looms ever larger for me now – I have to focus on work more. The bills don’t stop just because life gets back to normal. I am, in fact, dreading January when our deductible resets itself to zero and then every single test, procedure and medication will come straight out of our pockets until we hit $9000 (do not pass go). We were able to meet two year’s worth of deductibles without blinking…THANKS TO YOU ALL…
I know we will make it work, but it feels heavy and large and overwhelming. Thinking about it puts me in a tailspin of worry. Thus, I am distracted by shiny things – the temptation to go out in the middle of the afternoon and shop with the girls (bad, bad, bad). The thought of a nice nap at 2 p.m. after a few hours of work (awful, horrid, nonproductive). The glitter of Facebook and YouTube. Anything but reality. My book is so close to being done and it is the biggest weight of all. What if it’s horrible? What if I wrote all that stuff for nothing? Once this blog is closed forever, I won’t have any other excuses. If I don’t work on that book, I don’t write. (that sounded overly dramatic, even to me!)