I don’t really care much about New Year’s Eve. I mean, even in a good year when I’m not distracted by all things liver. This year we didn’t do anything but stay up until midnight then put the girls to bed. It was almost embarrassing how lame it was. I was playing a game on my phone while the girls watched t.v. when midnight finally rolled around. I didn’t even stop playing. I just said, “Oh look at that. It’s midnight. Happy New Year! It’s time for bed.”
I like New Year’s Day though. It’s usually a day when I reflect and relax. You know, totally goof off. I’ve been known to spend the entire day in bed, reading. I always try to write something on New Year’s Day – a bit of poetry, a few lines of a story, a blog post…because at some point I got it into my head that whatever you do on the first day of the year, you’ll continue to do it throughout the year. I’ve started more than one novel on January 1st. I’ve also made my share of resolutions and grand plans. Fresh start, blah blah blah, new me – blah blah blah – gonna ride that century, etc.
Except this year real life is really not something I want to face with the kind of optimistic self-delusion that always seems to accompany a new year.
This year I don’t want to write, or exercise, or come up with a list of resolutions. I can’t bring myself to feel optimistic about 2013. I don’t want to look forward. I just want to look back – to January of 2012 when Ana was healthy and I was kicking butt on my bike. I had energy and focus and drive. I made lists of things I wanted to change. I looked forward to spring.
This is a futile, self-destructive train of thought and I’m going to stop it right now. I’m still not going to make any resolutions though. *stamping foot*
I do think it’s really important to mention that even though I’m struggling right now with depression and fear, I continue to be surprised and amazed by the kindness of the human spirit. Two officers from Ulster Correctional paid us a visit yesterday to hand deliver (another) check. These are the same officers that came to the Healing Ana concert in November and gave us an equally large check that day. I am very happy to report that Ana met them this time (she was not feeling well on the day of the concert and was also very overwhelmed, so she didn’t talk to many people). Thank you Lorraine and Anthony for driving out here to meet us and give us that much needed check. You rock.
There’s another (comparatively) small act of kindness I want to mention because it’s the kind of thing that’s reprogramming the circuits of my brain. I’m still going to Starbucks far too often to feed my mocha addiction. Yesterday when I went to pay for my drink, the Starbuck’s employee told me that the person in the car in front of me had already paid for it and said to wish me a happy new year. Ana was with me. She said, “Do you think they know it’s us?” That thought occurred to me too.
I said to Ana, “I don’t know. Sometimes people are just nice to other people for no good reason. It’s called a random act of kindness.” And in that moment I realized I just don’t do that enough. THIS IS NOT LEADING UP A TO A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION! It’s merely an observation about myself that I am filing away for a later date.
If you paid for my mocha, thank you. At some point, when Ana is healthy and life is back to normal, I will be an entirely different person because of things like this.
Happy New Year!