4 Comments So Far

  1. Your feelings are so understandable, and it strikes me that Ana’s sound similar different times. (I’m sure that comes up with Emily’s, too.) It’s understandable that looking ahead to 2013 is so daunting right now and that it can induce depression and fear. It’s like you are walking along some rolling landscape in which a very tall mountain lies ahead, one to scale, only you don’t even know (because of waiting for THE call) when the mountainous terrain will suddenly be right here. That said, when it starts you are going to get a lot of support, in ways that you likely don’t know right now…just like that delivered check from Ulster Correctional…wow.

    I love the random act of Starbucks kindness. I’m with your Mom…give yourself a break on the mocha addiction. It’s not like it’s crack cocaine or something. I’d think at least one or two well-chosen addictions would be called for to get through this time.

    Even when you feel at your bottom sometime, notice that you write things like “when Ana is healthy and life is back to normal….” That means your belief and life force underneath are still there, still very strong. I’ve noticed that as you’ve reported on Ana’s activities, too — how her life force is very strong, her curiosity, her playfulness, her determination — even in the midst of these very difficult days. I’m thinking of her.

    Like you, I have always liked New Year’s better than New Year’s Eve — I love its light, its relaxation, its food, and its sense of a little break before we head into the work of the New Year. Thanks for sharing what it meant to you all this year. Happy and blessed New Year to you, Ana, Emily, and Jim, and your families. May it bring healing for Ana, and sustenance to you all. Love, Susan

  2. Drink the Mochas and enjoy them, guiltlessly (new word I just made up). I think even you have posted here somewhere that guilt is a useless emotion. πŸ˜‰ As for resolutions and such, they’re made to be broken, so why bother? Instead, focus on intention, and act as best you can with that intention in mind. You’ll likely be far less disappointed, and intention will stay with you — it’s a mutable and malleable thing, unlike a fixed resolution that doesn’t want to budge and when it does, feels like failure.

    As for all the positive thinking — it’s hard work. When you spend all of your time trying to push the bad, sad thoughts away, it’s stressful, especially when you’re unsuccessful. You feel like a failure, like you can’t “get it right,” and that in turn piles more stress on top of what’s already there. Let the bad thoughts in. Acknowledge them, then say thank you very much for stopping by, and move on. Stare the worst possible scenario full-on in the face, acknowledge its possibility, take a deep breath, and keep going. I’m not saying don’t fight back — you must. But fighting a real meanie, determined to triumph, is very different from trying to pretend that the meanie isn’t there by clouding your thoughts with perpetual sunshine (sounds like an oxymoron, I know). And don’t get me wrong — I don’t think you’re in that space, either. You’re just worn out, and it seems like the end will never be in sight, and that you have to be strong forever. The reality is: you do. At least for a while longer. And the other reality is: you can be, and you have help.

    To the extent that you can, live in the moment. Your cat does. Our dog does. They’re much happier than we are. If that sounds over-simplified, well, it is — but I mean it in the very best way possible. All these positive-thinking gurus tire me; I prefer the pragmatic approach of Oliver Burkeman (“The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” — which, by the way, is emphatically NOT a self-help book.) πŸ˜‰

    I am continuously amazed and impressed by both you and Ana as you take this journey. I am confident that you will absolutely triumph over the meanie. Have another Mocha in-between rounds. xoxox

  3. If the Starbucks makes you feel good, just drink it and don’t feel guity about it. Jelly beans do that for me..they make me feel good..especially the red ones πŸ™‚ As for New Years resolutions, feh..they are made to be broken πŸ™‚ I love you sweetie…

  4. Keeping it real. Yes. The best “life” resolution of all. And I’m sending gentle hugs around the mocha thing. Enjoy, baby. The extra self-judgment sounds like extra baggage on your journey. Maybe it’s some of that much-needed feel-good fuel right now, serving a more important purpose than ever before. Cheers! Signed, Decaf Salted Caramel Soy Mocha

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