I remember when my Facebook page wasn’t filled with pictures of Ana struggling through various stages of her illness. And when I didn’t walk around fearing potential disaster with every possible doctor’s visit. Separation. Pain. Bad News. I remember when bad omens seemed almost laughable, but now I see the portent of doom in the smallest things. Like today as I was driving to the bank, a crow flew very close to my car and I thought…what could that mean? Will Ana’s counts be low? Will she need a transfusion? Will she be coming home today?
I’m not a religious person as I’ve espoused more than once on this blog, but I’m also not a complete disbeliever in things…bigger..than myself. Some people call this god. For me, it’s about believing that there’s a greater purpose to everything and everyone on this planet and that we all effect each other. That’s why I welcome prayer, and white light and positive energy. Because I know it’s helping Ana get better.
But the inability to put a name to this belief leaves me vulnerable to superstition. I don’t throw away change, for example. If I find a penny in the pile of dust that I’ve swept from my kitchen floor, I don’t dump it into the trash with the rest of the debris – I walk over to a gigantic jar and drop that penny into it. Because throwing away money is bad luck. It invites mischief by being so disrespectful to the universe.
The day that we found out about Ana’s tumor, there was a huge stick bug stuck to the passenger side mirror of my car. Ana remembers it too, because the day she was discharged we found another stick bug waiting for us on the front door. Ana said what I’d been thinking, “What if this is bad luck, mommy?”
I had to admit (to myself) that she had a point, but then I really gave it some thought. I told Ana that I thought the stick bug was probably a good omen because it had stuck with us the entire ride to the Emergency Clinic that day. It had been critically important to get Ana’s diagnosis because she was very sick and if she hadn’t been diagnosed that day – if we’d put it off until Monday, or until her well visit which was scheduled for the following week, maybe it would’ve been too late to try and save her liver. The bug was gone when we got back into the car to drive to Kingston Hospital. It had done its job. It brought Ana safely to a place that guided us to the hospital, which then guided us to get her the proper care.
I know I probably sound like a crazy person. I guess I’m just searching for some meaning.
So I believe this new stick bug was waiting for us when Ana finally got discharged after 39 days at the hospital because it was watching over her again – giving us the sign that she’s on the right track to getting better. Omens work both ways. Ana agreed with this assessment.