Today I woke up to a comment that read, “Maybe Ana doesn’t want her pictures and story plastered all over the internet.” It was left anonymously, by someone who filled out the form as Mother Teresa.
I deleted it. I could completely ignore it, but it bothers me because I’ve been wondering the same thing lately. This blog has been a lifeline for me since the very beginning, but I’m worried about how Ana will feel if I leave every painful detail of her ordeal online for anyone to read. How does this effect her even though she doesn’t really pay attention to what I write? I do plan on archiving the blog and tucking it away on a thumb drive or something at some point, but I haven’t given much thought to when that will be.
I don’t want to pull the plug on this blog right now, because it would mean disconnecting me from an incredibly supportive community who has been with us since that first night at Maria Ferari Children’s Hospital in August. I don’t feel like the journey is over yet, but…will it ever really be over? Is that a good reason to keep this going?
If I pull the plug, it leaves me alone with the rest of Ana’s recovery, with the news each follow-up visit brings (good or bad), with the struggle to cope with how much her illness has effected me. It leaves me alone with bouts of depression and fear. I guess that’s what most people do anyway. Maybe it’s not actually normal to get through a horrible situation by blogging about it every day (or every week at this point).
But this is Ana’s story and not mine. Not really. I have to honor her right to move on by letting go of this lifeline. I’m not sure I need it anymore. Sometimes you just have to rip the band aid off, right?
It feels right to post about this and let you know this is going on, so you can let me know what you think. Is it clueless and selfish of me to leave Ana’s story “plastered” all over the internet? I guess, this is also a heads up that I’ll have to stop this blog in the near future and take it down so that we can – so that I can – move past the pain and go on living again.
I want to end with a positive note, so I’m going to again remind you of this Sunday’s Benefit Concert which will be at High Meadow School in Stone Ridge. Doors open at 3:00 p.m. I really hope to see a lot of you there, so I can thank you in person and so you can hear Ana sing. Did I mention we’ll be selling these amazing pins?
The artwork was done by Ana (eyes and flames) and my mother (owls and bees). The pins were made by Cindy Hoose on her amazing-fantabulous-super-cool pin-making machine. We’ll be making more today and I can’t wait!