Ana’s scan showed multiple new tumors in her pelvis. The number isn’t yet clear, but they are large. Just like in November, they grew very quickly. The doctors need more time to evaluate the scan to see if they can definitively identify everything that’s there.
Now for her lungs…the right lung tumors are stable. The one that was threatening her bronchus even looked a little smaller. But the tumor in her left lung which she had radiated last March has begun growing again at the margins. It was already very large so, yeah, this is terrifying.
Except for more aggressive chemotherapy, we’re about out of options. Chemo didn’t work originally. Her cancer has proven resistant to pretty much everything we’ve thrown at it. Ana doesn’t want to go through chemo, lose her hair and get really sick, only to learn that yet one more thing didn’t work.
Today Dr. Yamashiro suggested we speak to the palliative care team after Ana asked only one question, “how am I going to die?” He said it doesn’t mean he’s going to stop thinking about new treatments and trying new things, but he acknowledged that she has been fighting this for a long time and there’s no way to know if chemo will make a difference.
I’m absolutely unprepared for the prospect of losing Ana – even after all these years of knowing it was a possibility. I don’t know what to do with the overpowering despair I’m feeling. It’s like a physical thing. My heart hurts so much, I wish it would stop beating.