Waiting and Worrying
It’s the 19th day since Ana was admitted and we will supposedly be getting the final biopsy results and diagnosis today. I have no faith that that’s actually going to happen. Apparently you can’t rush Pathology. I kind of feel like they are dangling a carrot just out of reach and at this point I’m just half-heartedly swiping at it. I’m trying not to be bitter or demanding. At least five people have said, “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.” Nurses, doctors, the nice ladies from Child Life – they all have the same look in their eyes. I hate that it’s directed at me.
Meanwhile, Ana continues to get sicker. Dr. Hochberg confirmed that the tumor has gotten larger since she’s been here (again…19 days) and she has lost about 6 pounds. Although she is eating and drinking the Enlive, her stomach can’t hold that much food which complicates everything. She ate a wonderful lunch of lo mein and two Ensures yesterday and threw half of it up an hour later. So we’re doing small meals, more frequently and tracking calories. The nutritionist will also be coming in at some point and introducing various liquid options to supplement her calories. Ultimately she may need a feeding tube, but that won’t even help if she can’t keep her food down.
Meanwhile, I worry. Clothes that fit her two months ago hang off of her. I am freaked out by her cheekbones, her pale skin, her distended stomach, her arms and legs which are so incredibly thin. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes looking at photos from April, May and June and trying to see this illness in her face. By June, she was noticeably thinner when I compared the April and May pictures, but she was still healthy, round-faced, pink cheeked. I know (hope) things will move quickly once we get the diagnosis and get her on the donor list, but right now I feel completely stuck in this no-man’s land of a hospital room.
Hopefully the next blog update will bring more news.